I've been sitting on this post for awhile now because it's really hard for me to write. I don't know why. It isn't anything new or surprising, it's just that it has finally started to bother me on a fundamental level.

I went on a family vacation in July. Just my immediate family consisting of dad, mom, her new husband, my brothers, sisters -in-law, niece and nephew. MM did not come with me because of work and school obligations - there was just no getting around it.

I drove with one of my brothers and his wife. Everything was great on the drive there. He teased me a little bit when, at a restaurant we stopped at for lunch, I tried to get them to sub a pancake for the sausage links in a breakfast combo. They wouldn't. But whatever. All in all the drive was pleasant. The drive home was good too (except for losing my phone) they played what I wanted from their iPod for most of the trip and treated to coffee and donuts when we got stuck at a restaurant during a torrential down pour (1/2 the parking lot flooded!).

It was how he treated me during the actual vacation that I have a problem with. It started with the breakfast issue - telling my family that I had given her such a hard time that I made the waitress cry with my unreasonable demand for a pancake instead of sausage. Went to a joke about my inability to dress myself because I missed a button on my cardigan, and it got to the point where he even ragged my boyfriend's way of using a knife and fork (MM spent a good deal of time in Europe).

I realize this about my brother - he's great to me, until there is an audience. Then his need to be king of the mountain superior comes out and he turns on the weakest link he can find. It's usually me, but I've seen him do it to his wife too. It's not malicious. He thinks it's funny and just "good fun" teasing. Or sometimes it's about him being right about everything and everyone else just isn't as smart, enlightened, or knowledgeable as him. Although, the comment about MM came at a time when my brother was incredibly cranky, it was entirely uncalled for. My response, because at this point in the vacation I had completely had it, was "if you don't like it, don't look at him while he eats. Or better yet, don't hang out with us anymore."

The weird thing is - and maybe in the above case it was a blood sugar thing and dinner calmed him down - that when I pretend like I don't care about what he's saying or that he's not hurting my feelings, he calms down about it or stops entirely.

When I was in high school and college he used to be really mean to my cat. The cat hated men in general and my dad and brothers in particular. It didn't help that this brother would egg her on. It used to really upset me and I would complain about it - try to appeal to any sense of his love/like for animals, the fact that his would-be-wife had a cat - but he still wouldn't stop. He just didn't. Then I wised up. Just like it's no fun to tickle somebody who doesn't laugh, it's not fun to tease someone when you don't get a rise out of them. So one day when he was bothering my cat, I just said, "well, she knows she doesn't like you, and if she won't leave the room, it's her own fault" and walked away. It felt horrible to do, because really it was my brother's fault for aggravating her, not the cat's fault for acting on territorial instinct. But, lo and behold, he stopped. He rarely, if ever, bothered her again.

I feel like a jenga game. My foundation is being taken away from me piece by piece and it's a matter of time before it all comes crashing down.

So, my strategy for dealing with this revelation about MM did not go well. And why would it. I wasn't upset about the anniversary thing. I was upset that he slept with somebody else (even if it was early days) and went to Europe with her (I have yet to do that with him and it's been 2 years). Eventually on Sunday night we had another talk. Again, it wasn't going so well, and MM came out and asked where this was coming from. I thought my heart was going to pound it's self right out of my chest. But, in the end I came clean. I told him that I had done homework on his computer while he was out and that afterward I was looking at his pictures. He didn't get mad like I thought he would. And he was incredibly sweet about the whole thing. At one point he even offered to leave. Which wasn't at all what I wanted. I felt immensely better after coming clean. I don't know if he did or not, but I know that I can celebrate our anniversary coming up without feeling sad or upset. I went so far as to read some of my blog from the early days of our dating. I think I need to do this more often when I'm feeling down about us. I had something good. I enjoyed our dating for the first few months. It isn't until I start thinking our relationship should be something else that I get depressed. And usually it isn't even from a deep sense of needing or wanting something else. It's just an external "should" that I feel the need to meet. Anyway... we're back to being good again. I'm hoping we keep it good for a while now.

I can't remember when India officially went on my list of places I want to visit. In high school I was obsessed with the Beatles and especially George Harrison. There is no doubt that India effected them. Then in graduate school I started reading the Dalai Lama's biography, who is in exile in India. At the same time I was working with a girl from India. At some point I just decided that this was a place that I needed to see. I have to say that I am ridiculously excited to be going. I am going with MM and we are meeting my friend in her home city before going to New Delhi and traveling the "Golden Triangle." I am looking forward to seeing the Taj Mahal, and the Pink City. We are also booking a safari in Ranthambore national park (cross my fingers we see some tigers!). At the same time I am really nervous to be going to a developing country. I know that there is terrible poverty. I have read about the beggars and the scams. I have heard about the stares and the "eve teasing." Never-the-less, I am on my way. My passport and travel visa are secured, my vaccines obtained, and my flight booked. A few weeks from now I can officially cross "Go To India" from my bucket list and maybe replace that picture of the Taj Mahal with one that I take myself.

I'm teaching at a school in the west end called Emery Collegiate, it's about as different from SATEC as chalk and cheese. I do miss the halls at SATEC, and I've discovered something - I came back to SATEC a little while ago, before I started here, and I could almost navigate the place blindfolded, it was a little like slipping into a warm bath. Familiar things may be something you sometimes wish to leave, but coming back is a pleasure you rarely get to experience. That being said, it's nice here - The students aren't anywhere near like SATEC (And really, there aren't many schools like SATEC in the TDSB, are there? I mean, you guys used to come visit me during class so I wouldn't get bored! AWESOME!), but that's a good thing; change is sometimes necessary.

I am slowly, painfully, beginning to get organized - Apparently, Bip and I have both learned the important distinction between ORGANIZING stuff that needs to get done, and actually DOING it. It's a subtle, but importance difference, kinda like bringing equipment to a house on fire versus actually USING it.

To all my university people who are still reading this blog (I know you're in lecture while reading this - WAKE UP, PRY THE TIMMIES OUT OF YOUR HAND AND LISTEN TO THE PROF!), leave a message and let me know how life is! Especially if you're at my favourite university! And, if you're reading this in the midst of business class (Because I know you are), or you're in the library, take care not to annoy the librarian, would you?

Heya folks, once again it's time for Mr. K's exam tips roundup: 1) Get lots of sleep. Exams suck, don't let them get to you. 2) Exercise. Especially my students in uni - You don't want the Freshie 15 any more than you want to catch a bad rash from the rez showers. Exercise will help with losing the Freshie 15 - Even if it means going for a walk around campus, or getting your guts together and hitting the campus gym for 20 minutes of cardio, get some exercise in. It'll save your brain and your heart - There are a number of studies that show a positive correlation between 20 minutes of exercise within an individual's target heart rate and increased ability to focus and general motivation. 3) Eat right. Who am I kidding? University students? Come on... That late-night lure of the on-campus fast food is unstoppable even to the hardiest of souls. In which case, I won't tell you not to indulge, but I will tell you that instead of getting fries with that burger, just get the burger instead. Or, skip the Coke and get fries and the burger. How do I douse the fast-food craving? Subway. Seriously, they have great options for veggies with my sandwich (I will fully admit to being addicted to the turkey breast sub with lots of onions and pickles, lettuce, green olives, light mayo, and sweet onion sauce. Footlong, of course). Stay the hell away from the Pita Pit - If you don't know what's in the sauce, don't eat it. 4) Time out. You can't study all the time unless you know someone in the dorms who sells Ritalin and methamphetamines (We called it ADDon - Get it? Add on?), and even then, it's generally not a good idea to use either of those to study if you want to keep your brain securely in your skull for the rest of your life. In-between marathon essay-writing or cramming sessions, I strongly advise you to take a break. You know, something like ten minutes an hour just to stare off into space, or get some fresh air (Okay, okay, I know, some of you use it for a smoke break.) Either way, here's a good way to figure out whether or not you're getting enough break time: Is your skin too pale? You're not outside enough. Go outside (This will not work for certain students *Coughalliecough*). Feeling unmotivated and, dare I say it, depressed? Get outside. Sunshine is the only natural source of vitamin D, a vitamin whose main purpose is the regulation of serotonin, a chemical responsible for mood regulation in humans. In general: Going outside = good. Staying inside and studying until your eyes cross = bad.

Man, where did it all go? And there's still MORE?!?! DAMMIT! It seems as though the closer we get, the harder it gets to focus! Right now, for instance, I'm surfing YouTube, watching old clips of Scrubs (Possibly the funniest show EVER, next to The Simpsons). Why, why, WHY do we not wish to do work when it's most important to do?

I'll tell you right now, I'd way rather be in High Park, tossing around a frisbee and soaking up the sunshine, and I envy those of you who have the opportunity to do so. Don't waste it!

After that joyous little interlude... I have to go clean up and plan lessons for today :(

This comes about because I know I have (some) work to do, but I'll be damned if I can find the gumption to go about doing it. Laundry? PSHAH, I SAY! I'm mentally exhausted from helping a few people with their respective futures, and nothing quite spells mental exhaustion like going through a graduate application process, or the dreaded initiation to real life, the "résumé build". Both are productive for the people who initiate them, though neither can be considered, even charitably, a 'productive' use of time for those of us who choose to help these poor unfortunates. The problematic result, though, is that it's 7:30 on a Sunday and I'm tired like Lindsay Lohan on a Monday morning (Ah, Lindsay Lohan jokes. Will she ever STOP being such an easy, freckled and redheaded target?) I have neither the will nor the desire to face the coming week, and I wouldn't mind crawling into bed right now, the only thing stopping me being a shred of dignity that does not want to admit to going to bed before The Simpsons. Anybody else ever felt this kinda tired before? That achy, gnarly "I want to sit down and not get up until tomorrow morning" tired? What'd you do to get that tired? More importantly, did sleep help, or just make you more tired?